$44.08

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To continue the Mercy Hospital drama, I recently received a bill from them for $44.08. I know, it’s not a huge amount of money. However, out of principle, I have decided I’m not going to pay it. The following is my second letter to Mercy hospital. (I’ve left out the text from the original letter since that’s already in another post.) Let the battle continue:

Dr. Stephen Schenkel and Associates
Mercy Hospital
Department of Emergency Medicine
301 Saint Paul Place
Baltimore, MD 21202

To whom it may concern:
I recently received a bill and from your hospital stating that I need to pay you $44.08 for a hospital visit that I was unable to complete or receive treatment from due to the unsafe conditions of your emergency room waiting room. I have previously notified the director of your Emergency department in writing of the unsafe conditions I was subjected to on the evening of March 20, 2013. This letter is to inform you that since I was forced to leave the hospital before treatment due to the unsafe conditions of your facility, I will not be paying you anything. The health and safety of patients, which at any hospital should be a top priority, was anything but on the evening of my visit. Although I have written your hospital regarding these matters, I have not yet received a reply. I have enclosed my original letter as well for your records. Please do whatever you need to in order to absolve these charges from my account.

Regards,
Olivia Lane

An Open Letter to Mercy Hospital

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Recently, I had to visit Mercy Hospital’s Emergency room. It was so gross, I left before I had treatment. A week later, I received a letter from the hospital expressing concern. As we all know, I’m super vocal and I couldn’t resist replying. My advice to all of my Baltimore friends is to go somewhere else if you can. Below is my letter which I put in the mail today.

Dr. Stephen Schenkel and Associates
Mercy Hospital
Department of Emergency Medicine
301 Saint Paul Place
Baltimore, MD 21202

Dear Dr. Schenkel and Associates;
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your concern about my visit to the emergency room at Mercy Hospital. Although I was in the Emergency room seeking care on the night of March 20, 2013 under the direction of a doctor whom I had seen earlier that evening, the conditions of the hospital and the treatment I received during that visit generated a larger risk to my health and personal safety than the risks associated with my illness. Writing letters is a lost art and something that I do infrequently, but after receiving your letter I have decided that you should be notified of the condition of your emergency room during my recent visit.

When I arrived in the emergency room, many of the people inside were homeless and had not checked in to receive any kind of care. They appeared to be simply looking for a place to stay for the night. Most of them were not wearing hospital bracelets, and considering these are issued upon registration, I am sure that my assumptions are correct. The floor of the waiting room was strewn with trash. There was a used specimen bag which appeared to contain a urine sample lying on the floor. Eventually the waiting room was cleaned and the specimen was removed from the floor, but that was more than an hour into my visit.

While sitting in the waiting room with a high fever, I was approached by several people who asked me for money or tried to slyly get it themselves from inside my purse when they thought I wasn’t looking. It is difficult enough with a high fever to sit in a dirty waiting room without also being accosted by every drug addict in the City of Baltimore. I had to loudly threaten a woman (in the hopes of getting the attention of a very inattentive security guard) and ended up with my pepper spray in my hand convinced that I would have to use it before my visit was complete. While I realize that homelessness and drug addiction is a city wide problem (I am a resident), I believe that it is the responsibility of your hospital to create a safe environment for your patients—and a responsibility that your security and employees failed to uphold on the evening of my visit.

One homeless man (who was also not there for care) was very loud and began yelling in the waiting room. It took security a very long time to approach him, and by that time he had chosen a seat directly next to me. Security finally approached him but made no moves to consider my safety in the process. Fortunately, I was able to move to another chair moments before the man was forcefully escorted out of the hospital.

When I was finally seen in triage, the nurse there was rude and asked me why I was there if I had already seen a doctor. Unlike many patients who may come into your waiting room, I was not there to seek any kinds of drugs or shelter for the evening. I was there because I had been instructed to come to the hospital earlier in the day by my physician if my fever or heart rate reached a certain point—both of which happened. The triage nurse told me that Mercy hospital wasn’t going to do anything for me. I pointed out to her that I had not yet been diagnosed with anything, and all of my tests despite my high fever had come back negative earlier that day. Her promise of no care or treatment during triage was inappropriate and not a good indicator of the level of service provided by your institution.

The only person on your entire staff who did their job efficiently and in a professional manner was, ironically, the woman working the intake station—who coincidentally must have to deal with these same unsafe working conditions nightly and undoubtedly receives a smaller paycheck than the majority of the staff in your hospital.

While the letter I received from you is a nice touch, I recommend that you put your focus on the major threats to health and safety that have been undoubtedly ignored by your Emergency Department. Much like the millions of dollars your hospital has spent in additions and renovations over the recent years, my personal experience has revealed that these things are merely a façade to cover up the gross negligence and underlying issues within Mercy Hospital. I have been to emergency rooms in other urban areas of Baltimore City over the years including St. Agnes and Harbor, and while I have experienced long wait times or other inconveniences nothing compared to the level of danger and mistreatment I received in your hospital. I can only hope that if I am ever injured or sick in the future and unable to make a choice regarding a treating emergency room, that I have the good fortune to be taken elsewhere. If the goal of your hospital is to “provide exceptional service to the physical and emotional needs of [your] patients,” as stated in your letter, I trust you will take my feedback and comments seriously and make the necessary changes to obtain that goal.

Regards,

Olivia A Lane

Junk Email Vigilante

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I recently posted an ad (out of desperation) on Craigslist looking for promotional models for a few open events. I made the mistake of putting my professional email address in the ad. My reasoning was that it would look more legit (because most things on Craigslist are not). Since posting that ad, I have gotten all sorts of annoying SPAM emails from people who have failed to see the “Please do not contact this poster regarding other offers or services” section. The following is an email I received Friday from Emmanuel Sanchez at lovagal2121@yahoo.com :

“Hey, I’m swamped at work, and my boss authorized me to addon 2 people to help me finish inputting all of this data. It pays very good. If you can start this week, please let me know Http://Somebullshit.com”

Anyway, I had to reply because, well, there’s not much else to do at 2:00AM. The following is my email to Emmanuel Sanchez. (I also sent it to everyone else on the email chain.)

“Dear Mr. Sanchez,

Thank you for your kind offer of a fake job in data entry. However, if you would have read my employment ad which was posted on the seeking employees and not the seeking employment section, you would have noticed several things. First, the trained eye would have noticed that I am a market manager. I hire, train, and supervise multiple people. Data entry is a little bit below my league. Second, you would have noticed that I clearly requested to not be contacted about any services—which, although shocking, includes yours. Professionals understand the importance of respecting terms of service on the internet. Third, you would have noticed my proper use of punctuation and grammar, and as such I feel the need to correct you on your grammatical and spelling errors in your email.

Something cannot pay very good as you stated previously. It can pay very well or be very good. Good is not a word that can be used as an adverb to describe how something pays. And just in case you don’t know what that means, an adverb is a word used to describe a verb such as “run,” “dance,” “drive” or “pay.” Someone can be a good driver. In this sentence the word “good” is used to describe the noun “driver.” But, someone cannot drive “good” because drive is a verb. As such they would drive well. I suspect, however, that in your case you probably don’t follow the traffic laws either so I hope I’m not confusing you too much.

Please allow me to include this link that will help explain the difference between using good and well in sentences. I highly suggest you click on it even though I failed to click through on yours. Clearly you need the help more than I need a job in data entry. (http://data.grammarbook.com/blog/adjectives-adverbs/good-v-well/)

Why did you send your email to one person and then copy the rest of us in the CC section? It was as if you only really wanted to hire the first person on the email chain. Are the rest of us simply an afterthought to you Mr. Sanchez? I am a woman, and we hate being treated like an afterthought. As a man who clearly lov(s) a gal, you should know better.

Finally, “Addon” is not a word. Add and on are two separate words. A simple press of the spellcheck button in your highly professional yahoo email account (which has me wondering if you actually love a gal at all) would have pointed that out to you. Professionals never cut corners Mr. Sanchez.

If you have hopes of tricking people in the future to click the link in your email (which is clearly malicious) please use proper spelling and grammar. You throw a red flag to potential prey when you clearly indicate your lack of education and intelligence by making simple grammatical errors. Hunters in the woods wait quietly for their victims. They do not scream and yell and sing and dance when they are going in for the kill. I’m guessing you’ve never been hunting. Please feel free to keep my email address for future editing purposes. I am happy to offer you my services as an editor. I accept payment in advance and bill at a flat rate of $50/email provided that the emails do not exceed 200 words and that payment is made in advance through paypal. I own my own marketing company and promise that you will see much better results with my services than those you have seen on your own.
I sincerely hope that you are able to take this to heart. After all, the saying is, “anything worth doing is worth doing ‘well’.”

Sincerely,
Liv@bacchusgirls.com

Please feel free to send additional spelling and grammar tips to Mr. Sanchez at the above address. And as always, thanks for reading.

How NOT to get Applicants: or, the five deadly sins, Part 3 of the Promo Diaries

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I’ve spent a lot of time explaining how not to get hired in a previous post. But, as with everything in life, there is always more than one side to the coin. Promotional companies and temporary staffing agencies can easily make terminal mistakes when placing employment ads online. As a promotional marketing company, recruiting and training of qualified candidates for clients is a large part of what is done. These mistakes lead to a lack of applicants, or at least to a shortage of resumes belonging to people you actually want to hire. If you are a promotional marketing recruiter, please pay attention to the following list of things you should never do in an employment ad. If you are a promotional marketing manager, brand ambassador, or promotional model, you are welcome for the laughs.

1. PLEASE DON’T POST THINGS IN ALL CAPS—As a professional in this industry, it is annoying when I see an ad placed in all caps. I feel like someone is yelling at me, and I’m too old and professional to put up with that. Seriously, unless we have managed to travel backwards in time to 1996 and are IM’ing each other through an AOL chat room, it is never OK to use all caps. The last time I checked, you were a promotional marketing company, not in the business of making time machines, so give it a rest.

2. Speelling, punktuation; and grammatikal Errors—See how annoying that is. You probably want to smack me right now, and you’d have every right to if this was a recruitment ad and not a blog post. An employment ad is often the first representation you give a promotional specialist about your agency. Personally, I get pretty pissed off when the grammar Nazi’s jump on me for spelling something wrong on twitter. Get the hell over it. But a professional employment posting falls into a completely different category than my online passive aggressive rants. There are a lot of good agencies out there, but also a lot of terrible ones. To eliminate the odds on what sometimes becomes a dangerous game of Russian roulette that promo models frequently play with their paychecks, employment ads can be used as the first line of defense against disorganized or just downright stupid agencies. Seriously, if there are unsightly errors in the advertising, there will probably also be discrepancies in your paycheck.

3. R.E.S.P.E.C.T—I often come across ads posted online that lack respect for the candidates. Beyond simple spelling errors, an ad that comes across as demanding and pushy fails to recognize the existing work ethic and skill set of potential candidates. A clear and concise job posting—one without emotions or demands—is a good indicator of a professionally led organization. A job posting that states things like “Please only apply if you have common sense…” (and yes that really has happened) implies that the creator of the posting believes that the majority of the people who work for his or her company lack common sense. My thoughts on this are the following: 1. It is your job to recruit qualified staff. We are out there. 2. If you are posting about common sense it is because you have had multiple bad experiences with bad staff. 3. If you repeatedly hire bad staff, you aren’t doing your job correctly. 4. I want to punch you in the face for wasting my time.

4. I need, I want, I must—Please refrain from using any of these statements in an employment ad or booking request. “I need to get this event booked right away.” “I want to hire someone to work this.” “I must get this covered today!” OK, cool. Yep, you do. Guess what, your job as a booking agent is to book jobs. I don’t need to hear about what you need to do. Just do your job. “I” statements in an ad are unprofessional and make you seem needy and self-centered. “I,” for one, am not interested in working with a needy agent. This is a red flag to which I never respond unless I have a personal existing relationship with the agent.

5. Just post the damn details already—There are a lot of ads placed online that are simply too vague. “We are hiring for an event that will take place sometime between now and 2015. We don’t know the exact dates or times. Also we haven’t told you what the event pays or who we are or what you will be doing, but if you have open availability between now and 2015 and feel that you would be a good fit for this job, please send us your resume. Also, we are not sure of the location of the event. It is possible that it will be held in Baltimore, or maybe in Phoenix. Oh, and after you apply we will change all the details and then be upset with you when you are no longer available.” Essentially, what ads like this are doing is attempting to build a pool of qualified candidates. There is nothing wrong with that, but it should be done with that fact in mind. “Please register with our agency at www.OurAgencyName.Com to be informed of future work opportunities.” See how much better that was? When you are posting an ad for an actual event, please be specific. Sometimes the client prefers that the brand is not advertised online, but this shouldn’t stop agencies from posting basic information like times, dates, and pay rate. After all, we are contractors and we need that information to make an informed decision.

Posting clear employment ads can mean the difference between an executed event and cancellations. It can also be the difference between a renewed client contract and lost revenues. I work on both sides of this industry and I urge anyone who may be committing any of the five deadly sins listed above to please take notice and change. It won’t only make me happier; it will make for increased client retention and successful events.

Cradle Robbers

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I hear people say all the time that they look a lot younger than they are. For the most part, friends, that’s probably not true. You have convinced yourselves that you still look 22 thanks to the magic of Instagram photo filters. And just to clear the air, that one time a server asked you for your ID recently was probably more closely related to your beer preferences than it was to your physical appearance. On that note, if you are still drinking Natural Light, we can’t be friends.

I, however, have the single girls’ curse-in-disguise of looking younger than I am. Having a youthful appearance is, to most, a coveted and sought after trait. I get my youthfulness from my mom. If I was happily married or whatever, it would be great. Shit, when my dad got sick the nurses at the hospital thought my mom was my older sister. She had me at 32. I was 18 when the nurse asked my mom how many other sisters I had besides her. Years later my mother still sneaks in a reminder (or two) over a glass (or two) of wine about being my older sister.

Being a single woman and looking younger is full of pitfalls. It might appear cute and endearing when a gorgeous guy at the bar who is out celebrating his 21st buys you a drink. You know you’ve still got it when that happens—at least until he pukes his stomach full of Natural Light all over your Italian leather shoes. Game over.

If you survive the first round of drinks with your frat boy, or sorority girl, the fun is far from over. I’m going to skip right over the classy dates at Applebee’s, power hours drinking cherry bombs in Federal Hill, and that stunningly sentimental $5 box of Walgreens chocolates for Valentine ’s Day, and move right along to what’s really important. SEX. Yep. SEX. Forget what you’ve learned about youth and virility. Most young adults really don’t know what the hell they are doing. When paired with others from their general age group, they just don’t know any better. You can have all the stamina and determination in the world but it you are doing it wrong, it’s still wrong. I’m sorry, but my days of training puppies are over.

If you look younger than you are and date someone even younger it might work if you’re into sneaking into your love interest’s parents’ house or reading Seventeen Magazine. But the truth is, if the sex sucks, eventually you are going to get frustrated, pack up your favorite copies of Seventeen from her parents basement, and move on. I suggest a no training wheels rule for all of your dating prospects going forward.

The problem comes in when you are trying to date, meet people, and have fun. As a youthful looking person, the people who hit on you are usually a lot younger. Sometimes I’m just not sure whether to let them down gently or drop them like a bad habit—hey everyone has to learn somehow right? But the one thing I am sure about is that you will never catch me with a guy who was born in the 90’s—and that’s a promise.

The Great Baltimore Check-In

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Every once in a while something comes along the piques my interest in a way that makes me feel obligated to participate. Such is the case with The Great Baltimore Check-in. This social media integrated scavenger hunt is right up my alley. I’m addicted to my iPhone and anyone who follows me on twitter is annoyed daily by my Foursquare updates. Despite its flaws, I love Baltimore and any excuse to trek around to new and familiar places sounds like a great reason to me.

The contest has a list of 89 places that participants must “check-into” using Foursquare. The locations range from bars and restaurants to monuments and parks. After a check-in, each participant is emailed a trivia question to help validate his or her presence in the designated area. Smartphones mandatory. Questions vary in their content but most ask something specific about the location which requires contestants to actually be there. Participants are awarded points for each correct answer which helps to put them in the running for the various prizes.

Yesterday was the official start of the game and I took it upon myself to get a head start. I managed to get 10 places in along with a few nasty blisters from all the trekking around town in old flip flops. Officially, I made it to the following locations:

1. Home Slyce—Here we had a good portabella mushroom pizza and a few beers. There were no customers there when we arrived but the bartenders were friendly, funny, and prompt and the food and happy hour specials were great.

2. Federal Hill Park—Here we got a nice, albeit somewhat windy, view of the city.

3. Idle Hour—Had a few beers here but I am still trying to figure out how the Baltimore Sun ranks this place #5 of all Baltimore bars.

4. Battle Monument Square—This is the monument on Fayette street near the courthouse. Yep there’s not a whole lot to say about it.

5. Cazbar—Drank Turkish beer for the first time in my life.

6. Mount Vernon Square—I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, this is the most beautiful section of the entire city, which is probably why I happily live here.

7. Owl bar—Surprise, more beer.

8. The man/woman statue—A true Baltimore eyesore IMO, but hey it was on the list and it kind of prepares north-bound individuals for the weirdness of Station North.

9. The Francis Scott Key Monument—A great walk through the beautiful architecture in Bolton Hill and a decent monument.

10. Liam Flynn’s Ale House—Despite the smelly hipsters that frequent this place and the somewhat shady walk up North Avenue to get here, this place is awesome, Liam is friendly, and the beer prices are good. I was slightly disappointed that they didn’t have anything on cask that day, but it’s a valid excuse to return later.

There seem to be a few bugs in the programming of the game. I didn’t receive points for checking into Mount Vernon Square, the question I received about Cazbar was incorrect, and the question about Federal Hill Park had more than one correct answer. Liam from Liam Flynn’s was unaware that his establishment was even on the list until we arrived and explained the game to him, and the bartender at Cazbar didn’t have a clue. I’m honestly not sure that anyone working at Cazbar even knew what Foursquare is.

However, I still had a great time visiting the bars and monuments yesterday. With 80 check-ins to go, I’m sure there are more adventures to come. If you want to get in on the action, let me know. I could always use another partner to traipse around the city with. The only think I ask is that you do it the right way. Things like this can help introduce city residents to new locations and help bring money to our local businesses. (Jamie Smith, I watched you and Gayle Smith cheat all day yesterday and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Needless to say, neither of the two has accepted my Foursquare friend request.) For the rest of you who are playing, I hope to see you at the first Great Baltimore Check-in happy hour. Happy drinking and exploring in the meantime.

For more information on the Great Baltimore Check-in, or to sign up, visit www.thegreatbaltimorecheckin.com

Are You In School, or, Reasons not to be a Hamster: Part 2 Promo Diaries

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I work a lot of events, everything from alcohol tastings, to festivals, to cigarette promos. I usually have a great time doing it. However, there are a few questions which I frequently get asked that drive me nuts. Each of these questions has the same malicious intent behind it, with only the phrasing slightly changed. Usually a nasty consumer manages to be rude in one of the following forms:

“So, are you in school?”

“Have you thought about going to college? You seem intelligent enough.”

“Have you thought about getting a real job?”

“So, what do you really do?”

“My company is hiring a receptionist, would you like to come in for an interview?”

“Blah Blah Blah…”

Anyway, you get the point. The following is my response to these idiots. And while the response is one I would prefer to tell them in person, I like what I do too much for that.

From:
Liv Lane
1234 The Real World Ave
Reality MD, 21202

To:
Pea-Brained Asshole
1234 Doesn’t Have a Clue Ln
Lala Land, MD 21578

Attn. Pea-Brained Asshole;

Thank you for taking a concern in my personal and professional life. Potentially, taking the same amount of care with your own life would benefit the world even more. However, since you seem overly concerned with me, I am happy to answer your questions in order to put your mind at ease.

No, currently I am not in school. However, I have a B.S. in Business Administration with concentrations in Management and Marketing from an AACSB accredited university. While in college, I worked three jobs, ran my honors society, lost everything I owned, spent a few days officially homeless, and still managed to graduate with a 3.869 GPA. Does this surprise you since I am standing in a liquor store asking you if you would like to try the new flavor of Skinny girl? I bet it does. Where did you say you went to school again?

Here’s another tidbit you might find shocking. I self-financed my entire education and am now reaping the rewards associated with exorbitant student loan payments. Entry level government jobs start under $40,000 a year and tend to be boring. I’ve decided to be a responsible citizen and not get married or have children before I am ready. This responsibility has thrown me into a shitty tax bracket. After taxes, $40,000 a year is not enough to pay my rent, student loans, and still eat. Without veteran’s preference or affirmative action, I am last on the list for these types of “real” jobs such as yours. As such, I have had to pave my own way to ensure that I am able to support myself along with people like you. Considering the miserable look on your face, I think I made the right decision. Please keep in mind that my tax dollars help to fund your salary as a government worker. It would be super if you could thank me for paying your bills instead of acting like you are better than me.

Despite what you may believe, THIS is my real job. I currently manage two multi-state promotional campaigns. I have over 60 employees between the two, all of whom I hand-selected. This has given me the ability to only work with people who are talented and dedicated. How do you feel about your co-workers? I schedule, train, and supervise my employees, along with processing payroll and other administrative duties. I am responsible for all of the aspects of the business and personally accountable for any problems or issues. On the side, I have my own LLC and have already worked closely with two clients. If you are interested I’d be happy to compare resumes.

I would prefer to gouge my eyes out with a hot spoon than to come and answer your phone and make coffee for you. Unlike your 9-5, my job offers me lots of perks. Not the least of which includes not having to make coffee for chauvinistic assholes such as yourself. Dealing with you for 5 minutes in this liquor store is about all I care to put up with. Besides getting to meet misguided idiots like you, my job introduces me to cool people and I am never stuck in the same place every day. I hate fluorescent lighting and the thought of sitting in a cubicle makes me feel no better than a pet hamster. I have great tax benefits associated with owning my own business and have the flexibility to work on my time. What I do has a huge impact on the success of the program, and it’s nice to feel important.

Excuse me, you’re leaving already? But I thought you wanted to find out more about me? Oh, you’re in a rush. Thanks for your time. I bet you like hamsters.

No Love Lost,
Liv

How Not to Get Hired: Part 1 of the Promo Diaries

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I spend a lot of time recruiting, hiring, and training. My online employment ads often provide me with countless hours of frustrating entertainment. Frustrating because, to me, sending a resume and a few photos seems to be too difficult for a lot of people and I have a hard time understanding why. Entertaining because, well, you’d just have to see the applications to understand. I’ve had a few friends comment that I should start writing about the craziness I experience in the course of work. This post starts what I anticipate to become a very long series of “adventures” in promotional marketing.

Usually, the first way I know not to hire someone involves directions. Simple, easy to follow directions. Directions that seem to be missed all-too-often. For example, my directions for how to apply include the statement, “Please email a recent photo and a copy of your resume for consideration.” Easy right? Three simple steps: Go to your email, attach your resume and photo, click send. Somehow, these simple steps have turned into my first line of defense for screening out the unwanted candidates.

The responses that I get are easy to categorize into a few groups. The first and most prominent group being the Slackers. Slackers are the group of applicants who find the three-step-process of application to be unnecessary. They don’t include their resume and/or photo. Apparently, for the slacker, it is just too difficult to attach that second (and sometimes first) document to the email. Typically the body of the email of a slacker application includes nothing. Slackers never bothered to set up an email signature. Slackers are not someone I want to hire. The people who work for me are responsible for completing event reports and submitting photos after each event. A slacker might send you a report, but has already proven his or her lack of ability in attaching multiple documents. To avoid slackers, I use a one-step-process that involves the delete button in my Gmail account. Problem solved.

The second group is the Explainers. Explainers are slackers who like to talk. They will spend a lot of time and energy explaining why they sent an application without a resume and photos. They are not quite as lazy as the slacker, but are by far a worse breed. I recently received a two-page single spaced email from an Explainer documenting why she didn’t have a resume or photo to submit, but how she was very interested in the job. Oh yeah, then pull out your iPhone and take a picture of yourself. While you’re at it, how about you use the time it took you to write your dissertation on not having a resume and type one up? Even High School kids have one these days. Never, ever, EVER hire an Explainer. If you choose to not heed this advice, you will find yourself learning (the hard way) about how somebody somewhere has a dog who broke its toenail and how this is why they can’t work that day.

The third group is the Morons. Nobody likes a Moron. At first glance, a Moron’s application packet looks acceptable. Their emails always include two attachments. One is usually a Word Doc and the other usually a JPG file. After countless hours of wading through the seemingly endless sea of Slackers and Explainers, you will get excited by this application. You will be so excited that you will actually open the documents and look at them. Often the resume will be great. It will show relevant work experience. You will look to the top for the contact information as you unlock your cell phone, and BAM! It will hit you like a ton of bricks. There is no contact information. Who the hell submits a resume for a job without a way to contact them to hire them? But a Moron’s stupidity doesn’t stop there.

Another common Moron mistake includes sending a group photo. If I had psychic powers to decide who among the group of moderately attractive women sent in the application, I’d use them for something better than dealing with Morons all day long. Occasionally, you will get an application from a Moron with a photo that includes this person and a few of her pets. The stupid look on her face will convince you that, in fact, it is the German Shepherd who would like to sell beer. At least he looks like he could put together a decent resume. You will begin to wonder how this German Shepherd would look in a mini skirt and realize it is time to step away from the computer and open a beer.

The final most common group of people-not-to-hire is the Nagger. A Nagger is a lot like your ex, who you obviously got rid of for good reason. Naggers like to apply, and then check back in with you every five minutes for the next two weeks. “Did you get my application?” “Could you please confirm that you are able to open my photos and resume?” “When can I start?” “How come you haven’t called me? Here’s my phone number again.” “I am going to send you my application another 12 times just to make sure you get it since you haven’t confirmed.” My rule is to always wait at least 48 hours from receipt of an application to contact anyone back. This is enough time for all of the Naggers to self-identify. Never ever contact a Nagger. In the process, they will see your phone number in your email signature—because you are not a Slacker—and this is very bad for you. Naggers with your contact information will call you. Frequently. At midnight. When you’re having sex. Stay away from them.

There are other groups of individuals as well. But the rarest is the Diamond. The Diamond is the girl you want. Everything about her is perfect. She hasn’t nagged, included all of the requested information, and has a great work history. Call her. Hire her. Train her. Book her every day if possible. Keep her away from the Slackers, Naggers, and Morons. And most importantly, you had better say a little prayer whenever you find one because they are hard to come by.

Cheating Bitch

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I like to read. I do it a lot actually. People usually don’t believe me when I tell them that I don’t own a TV, at least until they come to my tiny apartment and notice its absence. I’ve read a lot of books on different topics, but rarely have I found one as honest and relatable as Chrystal Rose’s Unfaithfully Yours: Confessions of a Cheating Bitch. Yes, that’s the title, and it only gets better from there.

When I first heard that Chrystal was writing a book, and learned of its title, I thought, “Oh god, another stupid novel for ditzy sorority girls.” (I know, I know, it shocks me too, but apparently sorority girls can read.) Everyone wants to be a writer these days. Fuck, I started doing it and all it took was WordPress and about ten bucks to register my domain. I obviously had no intention of reading it. I ended up owning it anyway because the agency we both work for allowed us to purchase the book and expense it on our timesheets. I didn’t want to be the only one who didn’t get the book. Nobody wants to stick out like a sore thumb to their boss, and Chrystal is my boss. She also approves my timesheets.

An unfortunate series of events that followed landed me in bed, sick, with no TV, and in a staring competition with the cover photo. Eventually I picked it up and started reading. Don’t judge me until you see the cover—she’s hot. What I reluctantly found between the pages was a book that was honest, fun, and easy-to-read. Almost immediately I found sections of the book that I could relate to, and further on, I found parts that I swore were written about me. By the time I had gotten to page 7, I was hooked. I read the whole thing in one day, not because I am one of those competitive readers who must finish an entire book in one sitting, but because I couldn’t put it down.

What I came to realize through the book it that there are certain “types” of guys that most women get the “joy” of meeting throughout their dating lives. There are assholes and nice guys, pussies who let you get away with murder, and men who try to control your every breath. We’ve all been there, but we may have felt alone, at least before reading this book. I doubt that many of us would have the cajones to tell it with Chrystal Rose’s brutal honesty.

As the title suggests, the plot of the book includes cheating, and lots of it. In fact, it follows an incessant stream of affairs over the better-part of a decade. The author recounts her adventures, one-night-stands, and other soirees between the sheets, and gives advice about what not to do along the way. There’s even an entire page that lists ways to tell if “he’s a momma’s boy.” All of the men in the book are given nicknames. Some of which are explained eventually, while others leave the reader laughing and speculating about how they came to be. With a name like “Sharkie,” the story behind it has to be good.

While Chrystal has done a great job with writing a humorous and entertaining memoir, it is what she didn’t do with the book that was most impressive to me. She makes no apologies. She is who she is, says what she thinks, and isn’t going to change that for anything. Take it or leave it. Although, I highly suggest you take it.