I work a lot of events, everything from alcohol tastings, to festivals, to cigarette promos. I usually have a great time doing it. However, there are a few questions which I frequently get asked that drive me nuts. Each of these questions has the same malicious intent behind it, with only the phrasing slightly changed. Usually a nasty consumer manages to be rude in one of the following forms:
“So, are you in school?”
“Have you thought about going to college? You seem intelligent enough.”
“Have you thought about getting a real job?”
“So, what do you really do?”
“My company is hiring a receptionist, would you like to come in for an interview?”
“Blah Blah Blah…”
Anyway, you get the point. The following is my response to these idiots. And while the response is one I would prefer to tell them in person, I like what I do too much for that.
1234 The Real World Ave
Reality MD, 21202
1234 Doesn’t Have a Clue Ln
Lala Land, MD 21578
Attn. Pea-Brained Asshole;
Thank you for taking a concern in my personal and professional life. Potentially, taking the same amount of care with your own life would benefit the world even more. However, since you seem overly concerned with me, I am happy to answer your questions in order to put your mind at ease.
No, currently I am not in school. However, I have a B.S. in Business Administration with concentrations in Management and Marketing from an AACSB accredited university. While in college, I worked three jobs, ran my honors society, lost everything I owned, spent a few days officially homeless, and still managed to graduate with a 3.869 GPA. Does this surprise you since I am standing in a liquor store asking you if you would like to try the new flavor of Skinny girl? I bet it does. Where did you say you went to school again?
Here’s another tidbit you might find shocking. I self-financed my entire education and am now reaping the rewards associated with exorbitant student loan payments. Entry level government jobs start under $40,000 a year and tend to be boring. I’ve decided to be a responsible citizen and not get married or have children before I am ready. This responsibility has thrown me into a shitty tax bracket. After taxes, $40,000 a year is not enough to pay my rent, student loans, and still eat. Without veteran’s preference or affirmative action, I am last on the list for these types of “real” jobs such as yours. As such, I have had to pave my own way to ensure that I am able to support myself along with people like you. Considering the miserable look on your face, I think I made the right decision. Please keep in mind that my tax dollars help to fund your salary as a government worker. It would be super if you could thank me for paying your bills instead of acting like you are better than me.
Despite what you may believe, THIS is my real job. I currently manage two multi-state promotional campaigns. I have over 60 employees between the two, all of whom I hand-selected. This has given me the ability to only work with people who are talented and dedicated. How do you feel about your co-workers? I schedule, train, and supervise my employees, along with processing payroll and other administrative duties. I am responsible for all of the aspects of the business and personally accountable for any problems or issues. On the side, I have my own LLC and have already worked closely with two clients. If you are interested I’d be happy to compare resumes.
I would prefer to gouge my eyes out with a hot spoon than to come and answer your phone and make coffee for you. Unlike your 9-5, my job offers me lots of perks. Not the least of which includes not having to make coffee for chauvinistic assholes such as yourself. Dealing with you for 5 minutes in this liquor store is about all I care to put up with. Besides getting to meet misguided idiots like you, my job introduces me to cool people and I am never stuck in the same place every day. I hate fluorescent lighting and the thought of sitting in a cubicle makes me feel no better than a pet hamster. I have great tax benefits associated with owning my own business and have the flexibility to work on my time. What I do has a huge impact on the success of the program, and it’s nice to feel important.
Excuse me, you’re leaving already? But I thought you wanted to find out more about me? Oh, you’re in a rush. Thanks for your time. I bet you like hamsters.
No Love Lost,